Of Letters and Things
by Fendermastery
Summary: What happens when Matt sends a letter to Mello? Will a stupid poem make him mad and start a letter war? Only time will tell as the story unfolds! A colab with Undoubtfuly Lost!
1. Choco Breath

**From the mixed minds of Lost and Fender, for our enjoyment, and yours (along with a few assorted laughs and giggles) allow us to present what becomes of boredom and insanity... not to mention a bit of blondness on Fenders part (ok a lot...but beyond the point!) and much -headdesk-ing from Lost. Teh best of both worlds has come together to form... ****Of Letters and Things****!**

**To make things perfectly clear, this is a Crack!Fic and on top of that a yaoi Crack!Fic. So please! Don't send us mail saying things like "They would NEVER act like that!" or "This is just plain stupid!" Because we already know this… in fact that's the whole point of a Crack!Fic.**

**L+F : Unfortunately we don't own Matty and all his sexiness or Mello and his kick ass cursing religion but we do own the plot that that's based around them!**

**Lost: All that's left is to sit back and enjoy the Crack!**

**Fender: And by no means do we mean plumbers!! xx**

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To Mi Dearest Choco Breath,  
Its been liek 4evur + day since I last tasted your glorious breath! U should kno since I saw you, Ive beat 7 moar lvls and respawned 2 tiems! but Im missin mi little choco luv muffin... i need u to tele ur azz over here so i can c u again! till then im gonna count every min were apart and fite 4 u!

roses r red

this lemon was orange

i fite with this 2h

till you cant take moarange!

Signed ur loving Flamer Boy!

P.S. u still owe me some gp on that game u bastard!

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**Letters shall get longer as we receive inspiration!**


	2. Flamer Boy

**Fender: ok so at least Mello's personality is something I have down flat XD**

**Lost: It's actually rather frightening how well Fender plays him o.o  
Fender: Oo really...wow! Well...on with the chapter! NAO BITCH!! -  
L+F: No ownage of the Matty and the Mellzy...but we can dream...right?**

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Oi Flamer boy!

What in the fuck do you mean you haven't tasted me in like forever!! It wasn't that long ago! And congratu-fucking-lations on leveling up seven more times...but remember YOU DIED TWICE!! I swear you make Near look smarter sometimes...geez!

Bullets are flying

at your head

Stop pissing me off

before your fucking dead!

Your goddam Choco Breath . Ya bastard...what kinda name is that!

P.S. Stop sending me these damn bouquets! I'm not a fucking girl!

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**Letters shall get longer as we receive inspiration!**


	3. Watch your Back

**Lost: Oh no! How will Matt take Mello's threatening poem? Will the bouquets ever stop coming?! It's Just to much to handle!!  
Fender: Just shut up and you'll find out!**

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An ode 2 Choco Breath,

sweet + delish!

Ur temper so true!

Better watch ur back

Or no Choco 4 you!

Psh! Mellzy wants 2 play teh game lets see how fast u lvl up! i bet i could ttly make u look liek a nub! try meh!! Oh + were outta strawberry Pocky...get me sum when ur out!if no spect tobe missin that 3lbs of German Choco i have stashed 4 ya...u kno...the stuff with the melty middle...it'll go poof!Poof liek the tiem u didnt kno where my Crash Bandicoot game went...+ i found it broken in half after you had just been nagging bout how u didnt liek it!

koo-koo-kachoo,

Flamer boy

PS. :Ill send joo flowas if i feel liek et ho!

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**We promise the chapters will get longer so there not all "EEEW SHORT CHAPS!!" xD**


	4. Wanna be Gangsta

**Fender: holy gawd! da man whore will speak! (for Mello's chapter)  
Disclaimer: We don't own Flamer or Man-whore-Choco-Breath...but we'd like to think we do -  
Lost: Pft! Speak for yourself Fender! I happen to own that particular Man-Whore!  
Fender: Fine...you own Man-whore! I GET SEX ICON MATTY!!**

(Not really U.U)

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YO Dumbass-gangsta-flama boy!

touch my chocolate and die bitch! dont make me say it twice or i'll castrate you in your sleep and shove it down your throat! I dont care if your birthday's tomorrow or not! and i have no fucking clue what your talking about with that retarded Crash game...It was a peice of shit and you had beaten it like a million damn times! it probably just fell in half from over use! Besides you played it way too much and you know it! SEND ME FLOWERS AND CALL ME A HO AGAIN AND WE"LL SEE WHO EATS OUT OF A TUBE IN THEIR THROAT!!

Enraged Choco breath

PS. The man whore dont go to his bitch! The bitch comes to the man whore! You wanna see me you get your flaming ass over here!

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	5. Crashing Flamer

**D/C: Rather redundantly… I may cry but I still don't own Crashing Flamer or Choco-Whore T.T**

* * *

Hey Choco Whore!

Member wat 2day iz? Huh?! Do ya? Hehehee… Can't wait 2 c wat u do this yr! Maybe u got me the game I've been dying 4! U kno! GTA4(1)! ZOMG! Id lurv u 4ever + a day! OOH! Can we go 2 GAMESTOP?! They have like everything! Maybe…MAYBE ull get me a new Crash game 2! Wheee! Crash How I miss u so!  
Crash  
Crash

Crash!  
Crash will kick ur ash! (Like u could evur beat me! Lawlz!)

Crashing Flamer

P.S. Not even on mi b-day? T.T

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**GTA4- Grand Theft Auto 4**

Please review!  



	6. Choco Bitch Master

**D/C: May speak for them but we haven't managed to buy M+M yet…**

* * *

Fuck you "Crashing Flamer"

Yeah I know what damn day it is! No I didn't get you Grand Theft Auto. Its something even better…Yes you kinky bastard… better… Don't Question ME! You'll get it when you do! The more you bother me the longer it is till you get it! RESPECT MY ATHORITAH! Bitch.. Yeah that's right you're my bitch!

Choco Bitch Master

P.S. I'll Think about it… Don't get your hopes up.

* * *

**There's a little button down there... you know you want to push it!!**


	7. Burning Flamer

**D/C: He's sexy when pissed but still not ours… need I say more?**

* * *

Choco Bitch-Master  
wat the fuck waz w/ that! A CHOCO PSP?! U kno I h8 choco! U did it on purpose so Id ttly get mi hopes up! Can't beleave u! I bet U did it just so u could eat it urself! Take ir back u bastard! No more surprise 4 u nao! Ur not getting it!

Burning Flamer

P.S. Ur a /3 bastard!


	8. Pissed Choco

**D/C: YAY! We finally own them! J/K… not really… I wish but hey! There may be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow yet! Till then not.**

* * *

Fucktard Flamer  
Of course that's why I did it! Its called a gag gift, haven't you ever gotten one before? Your real one will come later tonight alright? WAIT IS THIS THE NOTE YOU WERE JUST WRITING WHILE YOU WATCHED ME POLISH MY GUN? DUDE I'M BESIDE YOU RIGHT NOW! JUST TALK INSTEAD OF WRITING! GOD YOU'RE SLOW!!

Mother-fucking Pissed- Choco Bitch Master from HELL!


	9. Difficult Positions

**A/N:** Fender: Okies...sorry for such a long wait on the update...Seeing as how shool is out for the summer in about eight days, me and Lost have Finals coming up and theres been a lot of writers block to get over as we study.  
Lost: Who's studying! Not Me!!  
Fender: Shush! we gotta look smart woman!  
Lost: BEWARE Mello's PMSing O.o ...no not really...

**Disclaimer: **do we really need to keep incessant repetition? we only wish we owned them... T-T

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Watching Mello finish cleaning his gun in silence Matt finally ventured to ask. "Mells? Whadidja get for my birthday, and why can't I have it till later?"

Glaring at Matt for interrupting his train of thought he replied. "Why should I give you your birthday present now? Fucking Whiner! You can wait…"

Giving him an attempted puppy pout Matt began to stare at him until he made Mello uneasy enough to look up. "But Melllloooo it's my birthday...my super special once a year time to get new games day!!"

"Who the fuck said anything about a new game? I could have got you mother fucking socks for all you know." Mello grinned evilly knowing that this was torture for Matt.

"Aww common Mel...I know you didn't get me a pair of socks...that's a bad excuse for not wanting me to know what it is..." Standing up he picked up his Nintendo DS, and looked balefully at Mello. Turning he left the kitchen mumbling under his breath. "Don't see why I have to suffer on my birthday just 'cause you're going through PMS..."

Looking up slowly, his glare hot enough to burn through steel Mello growled and cocked his gun. "What did you just say?"

Matt ignored the gun and walked over to Mello, his eyes smoldering in fury. "I said, why do I have to put up with your PMS attitude! If I wanted to live with it I'd go find some chick and move in" He knew perfectly well that if he were anyone else they would already be dead.

"Say that again and I'll kill your ass."

Glaring and parting his lips, Matt spoke slow and clear. "Why do I have to deal with you in your PMS moods?" straightening up he stared at him.

Smirking evilly he jumps at Matt, pinning him to the floor with his hands over head, Matt's legs stuck under Mello's own. "I'll show you have bitchy I can be."

Struggling briefly Matt stopped as he found it useless. "Fuck off Mello! You're ruining my birthday!"

"Should have thought of that before you royally pissed me off."

"Fuck you! You started it!" he didn't care if he sounded like a baby at the moment, Mello was ruining his birthday and he wanted him to know it no matter the cost.

"What are you…a fucking baby? Man up you pussy!"

"Mello get the fuck off me!" he started trying to get out from under him again, only to be stopped as he felt Mello's knee in a very sensitive area. "Don't you dare!"

Mello raised his eyebrow ever so slightly. "Oh…wouldn't I?" He smirked adding a little pressure.

Squirming slightly in discomfort Matt tried to hold completely still so the pressure wasn't increased any more. "Don't..." it was all he could think to say at the moment.

"Don't" Mello mocked harshly. "And what's stopping me, hmm?" Stared Matt down, not removing the slight bit of pressure on Matt's most private area.

Gritting his teeth slightly he turned his head to the side and closed his eyes, his cheek now pressed against the cold tile floor.

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There! Now that we've temporarily satsfied your addition for crack...press the purpley button just below! If you leave us a review...we'll hand out Matt and Mello cyber plushies x3


	10. To Reap or not to Reap?

**A/N: Fender: Ok so as people might have guessed...GEET OUTTA MI MINDE!! coughs  
Lost: KITCHEN REAP!! coughs I mean...Oh Noes Matt!! Watch out!! headdesk headdesk headdesk  
Fender: yep readers!! we introduce to you the fabulous world of Matt Reap!! (its like rape...only beddar!)**

**D/C: We admit rather grudgingly that Matt, the obcessive gamer, and Mello the bitchy chocolate addict are not in fact ours**

Tilting his head to the side Matt's cheek was now pressed against the cold tile of their kitchen. Above him Mello smirked.

"What's the matter Red? Can't take a little pressure?"

"Just shut up Mel..." he mumbled before beginning to blush slightly. Though he tried to hide it, it was still visible.

Mello rose an eyebrow slowly at the sight of Matt's burning cheeks. Deciding to taunt the redhead below him he asked, "Are you getting turned on Matt? … Is my pinning you down making you hot?" Mello chuckled low in his throat. Amused at Matt's expense.

"No..." Matt's voice trailed off as he attempts to think, _**am I...no I cant be...he's just a friend…**_ he tries weakly once more to struggle way from him.

Mello was thoroughly amused yet he hid it behind a glare "Don't lie to me Matt."

The pinned gamer began struggling slightly more "I'm...not...now get offa me!!" A few seconds after demanding this, he gives up, panting heavily _**he's stronger than he looks...just great!**_

Mello grinned sadistically and began to put more pressure on Matt's Wrists, enough so that he was positive there would be bruises there later.

"Let go!" Matt begged, wincing at the pain he turned his face to look into Mello's eyes.

"And what would be the point in that? This is only the beginning of my revenge." Mello Sneered at him, "You're in for a much worse fate."

Matt struggled harder. "Mel, stop it! Just let me go!" His mind was wandering to all the possibilities that might come from Mello's statement.

"Weren't you listening dear gamer" the chocolate addict said with sarcasm as he situated himself so that he was leaning back on his knees, his hands still pinning Matt to the floor. "Did you really think I would let you get away with telling me I'm PMSing?" Mello's voice was growing softer as the rage behind his words cultivated within him.

Matt realized that if he couldn't get out of this he's going to be in some serious trouble. He made one last attempt to talk his way out. "Mello get off of me...I don't like where this is going...stop..." he tried desperately, his eyes and voice betraying his fear.

"You're acting like a caged animal Matty." Mello said with venom dripping off every word.

"Because you're treating me like one!" he managed to get one hand free, and before he realized what he was doing had pulled Mello down into a kiss.

Mello immediately broke the kiss, grabbing and pinning Matt's arm to the floor once again. "Fuck you! I'm angry right now! I don't want your damn kisses!" He all but yelled, attempting to suppress his desire to kiss the red head back.

Blushing deeply Matt looked away, still not fully comprehending what he had just done.

"What? You've got nothing to say for yourself?" Mello said dropping the gamer's wrists only to pin him by his shoulders.

Looking up at the blonde, Matt's face turned a bright, embarrassed kind of red that could rival even his hair. "No..." he said simply.

"In that case," Mello spoke under his breath, finally allowing himself to give in to his longings. Leaning down he pressing his lips harshly to Matt's, his rage still bubbling below the surface, but suppressed for another minute or so.

Matt's eyes widened considerably at the kiss and his face, if possible, turns an even deeper shade of red. As Mello pulled away he couldn't resist asking, "What was that for?"

Glaring at Matt's question the Mob Boss hissed his response. "Just shut up! You're ruining the moment" Leaning back in he kisses him once again.

Matt resumes trying to pull away only to remember that he's being pressed against the floor. Waiting for Mello to stop he finally got the opportunity to ask. "B-but doesn't this go against your religion?"

Squeezing Matt's shoulders, Mello hissed in a low voice "I told you to shut up!"

Squirming in pain Matt fell silent and watched, afraid of the look that was in Mello's eyes. It was the same look he got when he was ready to kill for chocolate because he had been out for a while.

Removing his right hand from Matt's shoulder he moved his left arm so that it crossed just below Matt's neck allowing him to hold both shoulders down with just one hand. Using his right hand he tilted Matt's face to the right and attacked his neck.

Matt could be heard whimpering slightly as Mello moved his arm. He resisted the urge to push him away. As he felt his neck being attacked he couldn't help the small, almost unheard moan that escaped his lips.

A knowing mile spread across Mello lips as he felt rather than heard Matt moan. Moving his lips downward he began his trail to Matt's still clothed chest. Feeling him shivering at his touch he continued to move further down towards his shirt.

Matt was trying to think his way out of his situation. _**I'm not gay...and Mello isn't either...why am I enjoying this then!!**_ He tried to keep his train of thought but it was getting harder to do so the more Mello continued.

Mello pulled back as his lips met Matt's shirt, he knew if he removed his arm from his chest Matt would run away. He cast about ways to remove it in his mind. Finding a solution, he reached towards the kitchen drawer beside him. Fumbling blindly in it, his lips twisted into a small of satisfaction as he found what he was looking for. Without further notice he pulled out the largest kitchen knife they owned.

Matt's eyes widened as he seen the knife thinking that Mello was truly beyond help in his fit of anger. Changing his strategy he closed his eyes and kissing him back. _**Please let this work...don't let him stab me...**_

Groaning happily in his throat, the knife still in hand he slowly brought it down to the bottom edge of Matt's shirt. Using just the tip he cut the shirt right up the middle furthermore creating a thin cut up Matt's stomach as well.

Flinching slightly as he feels the knife begin to cut his stomach he pleads once more. "Mello...that...hurts..." he hissed between his teeth.

Mello bent over and began to lick the small amount of blood up as an apology

Shivering at the touch of Mello's tongue he has to fight back another moan. "y-you can let g-go of me...its not like I-I'm going to run a-away..." he managed to say through his heavy breathing

"How do I know you won't?"

"Just…Trust me for once..."

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**Lost: Some of you may be wondering why your...er...I mean Fender's beloved Gamer is having a gay/not gay conflict because of the flowers and such earlier. You see he was just sucking up to Mello earlier, in attempts to find out what was going to happen on his kick-ass birthday. We just thought it was nessicary to clear things up before there was any misunderstandings.**

**Fender: Okies! Most definately moving along here!! and we need your suggestions on how we can make this reap any better! See the button...the one right below here...We'll only know what you want if you press it and let us know 3**


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